MHT reluctantly completes Week 6

INTERVIEWER: Can we talk about your pace?
MHT: Can we not?
INTERVIEWER: Your pace has been described as “a brisk waddle.”
MHT: By me. And the passive voice forfeits responsibility.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you run?
MHT: I have no fucking idea.
INTERVIEWER: Could you elaborate?
MHT: I have no goddamn motherfucking idea.
INTERVIEWER: Describe your running regimen.
MHT: It’s an app. It’s not a regimen. It’s the Couch to 5k Challenge and I did it last year and I’m doing it again this year. Because Ron is doing it and the deal was I would run if he would do some yoga once in a while.
INTERVIEWER: Did Ron agree to this?
MHT: He will, as soon as I tell him. Okay, halfway through.
[MHT checks the app: 90 seconds have elapsed, 18.5 minutes of running remain.]
INTERVIEWER: Could you explain—
MHT: OH MY GOD YEAH JUST CUT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME ASSHOLE! PEDESTRIANS HAVE RIGHT OF WAY IN MASSACHUSETTS AND I AM A GODDAMN PEDESTRIAN!
INTERVIEWER: Why would —
MHT: Did you see that? Asshole just cut in front of me. We both had the green light. No other cars coming. He could have stopped. He just didn’t feel like it. Pedestrians have right of way in Massachusetts. Last time I checked, fat ugly old women count as pedestrians. Maybe if I was half my age and half my size and PRETTY this kind of thing wouldn’t happen.
INTERVIEWER: Has anyone, ever, called you ugly?
MHT: No one defines me but me.
INTERVIEWER: That driver was about 20 feet away from you. And he waved to you for letting him take the turn.
MHT: I doubt that very much.
[MHT checks the app: 7 minutes have elapsed. 15 minutes of running remain.]
INTERVIEWER: Has any driver at any time called you fat or ugly?
MHT: I don’t know. I’m wearing headphones. Duh.
INTERVIEWER: What are you listening to?
MHT: A playlist I made last week called WHY CAN’T WE RUN FASTER? It’s awesome. Lots of fast music.
INTERVIEWER: Does it make you run faster?
MHT: Like the goddamn wind. Watch me go. I can’t believe that asshole. I hope he gets pulled over.
INTERVIEWER: For what?
MHT: Anything. [turns up volume on phone, turns it back down] OMG I love this song.“Turning Japanese” by the Vapors? I remember going berserk on the dance floor to this in college. I think it’s racist, though. It’s actually about masturbation. But is it racist?

MHT: Shut up.
[MHT checks the app: 8.5 minutes have elapsed. 13.5 minutes of running remain.]
INTERVIEWER: Is it true you’ve completed nearly six weeks of training and you haven’t lost an ounce? In fact, you actually GAINED weight this week?
MHT: It was hot. I retain water when it’s hot.
INTERVIEWER: That’s a lot of fucking water.
MHT: Shut up. It’s menopause.
INTERVIEWER: Isn’t it true that Ron has lost a considerable amount of weight during this challenge, both last year and this year?
MHT: Ron is not experiencing menopause.
INTERVIEWER: Isn’t it true that—
MHT: Menopause.
INTERVIEWER: But wouldn’t—
MHT: MEN
INTERVIEWER: But you can’t—
MHT: O
INTERVIEWER: Is that your—
MHT: PAUSE
[MHT checks the app: 11 minutes have elapsed. 11 minutes of running remain.]
MHT: Oh my god I hate this. I really, really fucking hate running.
INTERVIEWER: Why are you doing this again?
MHT: Shut up.
INTERVIEWER: What does running do to advance your narrative?
MHT: What the fuck did you just say? Oh my holy Jesus I’m going to throw up.
INTERVIEWER: Marathoners throw up. You’re not a marathoner. You’re a jogger.
MHT: I am NOT a jogger. Jiggler, maybe. OH MY GOD JUST DRIVE FASTER ASSHOLE WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? OH MY GOD HE WAS GOING 70 MILES AN HOUR WHAT IS THE POSTED SPEED LIMIT ON THIS BLOCK?
INTERVIEWER: What is the posted speed limit on this block?
MHT: I have no idea. It’s not 70, that’s for damn sure. What an asshole. I hope he gets pulled over. He hates fat chicks and ugly girls.
INTERVIEWER: Did he say either of those things?
MHT: I don’t know. He was going too fast for me to read his goddamn asshole lips.
INTERVIEWER: And “asshole lips” are…?
MHT: Shut up.
[MHT checks the app: 12 minutes have elapsed. 10 minutes of running remain.]
MHT: Okay, 10 minutes left. I can do this. “You can stand anything for 10 minutes,” right, that’s the saying?
INTERVIEWER: “You can stand anything for 10 SECONDS.”

INTERVIEWER: What do you gain from running?
MHT: I don’t know, clarity?
INTERVIEWER: Is this more effective than self-help books?
MHT: What?
INTERVIEWER: Because you could build a sweet Craftsman bungalow out of unread self-help books. And a pergola out of the partially read ones. And you could decorate it with the meditation audiobooks and apps and binaural beats—
MHT: That doesn’t even make sense.
INTERVIEWER: And the hypnosis app—
MHT: Hey, that one actually works. I can ride the subway now.
INTERVIEWER: In Boston it’s called the T.
MHT: Shut up, Boston.
INTERVIEWER: How much have you spent on self-help books and media?
MHT: This week?
[MHT checks the app: 19 minutes have elapsed. 3 minutes of running remain.]
MHT: YES I CAN DO THIS OMG I LOVE THIS SONG SHE’S GOT IT YEAH BABY SHE’S GOT IT I'M YOUR FREAKIN VENUS
INTERVIEWER: You’re 53 years old, you weigh 190 pounds no matter how fast you run, you live with your parents, you finally have a job and you suck at it, you’re incapable of losing weight, you haven’t published a single novel, you’re fat, you can’t get an agent—
MHT: SHUT UP AND FUCK Y— YES! WEEK SIX DONE, BITCHEZ! HUZZAH! I. AM. AWESOME.
INTERVIEWER: And beautiful.
MHT: Hell yeah.